What is the definition of life?
Life is that which is lived in sheer terror of losing him...of him being lost forever and never finding him again.
Life is that which is lived in sheer terror of taking that one step....of breaking away from one and all and walking off with him into the glorious sunset( of course, after the walk into
the sunset there would be blissfull hell to face from the monster called Society. )
Life is that which is lived in his thoughts,in constant fear, with a whirlpool swirling in the mind and the heart constricted with conflicting emotions that vary from one extreme to the other in a matter of a clock-tick.
There is fear...
fear of life turning into nothingness(without him)
fear of life becoming empty(without him)
fear of an unsettling vacuum in life(without him)
fear of a huge abysmal hole in the centre of life that cannot ever be filled(without him)
fear of life turning into a horribly staged drama in which the part i play is insignificant and worthless(without him)
fear of life becoming indifferent to me and me becoming indifferent to life(without him)
and
a total and absolute fearlessness of life meeting with its expiry date in the very next moment Without Him.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
DESTINATION UNKNOWN
Sitting in the train,next to the window,with the wind blowing on her face she felt strangely calm...
A calmness she did not deserve to feel...after all,she had broken the rules of an all-powerful ugly,hypocritical society..
She had no idea of her destination..she wasn't sure if she wanted to get anywhere in the first place..
She was only sure of Him..(yes,she was sure of Him but she wasn't so sure about the nature of their relationship...she didn't see him as a friend..friends are too distant when one needs them and too close when one doesn't need them....she didn't see him as a lover..lovers don't love,they control..they have a "to-do"list ready for you..a list that moulds you into an identity-less zombie..by the time you are through the list love has jumped out the window and become a cripple.....she didn't see him as a brother...brothers see their sisters as saintly,pure creatures incapable of doing wrong..the sisterly moral facade one has to put on is tiresome to say the least...so what did she see Him as????...)
She called him on his mobile,he was travelling in the same train...she felt strangely weepy hearing his voice and couldn't speak...her silences always spoke more clearly than her words ever could..he said he'd come over to her compartment...but he couldn't because the compartments were not connected...each compartment was self-sufficient in itself and detached from the others..
He came in at the next stop and sat next to her..sensing her restlessness he took her hand in his,as if to calm her.
She laid her head on his shoulder...she felt peace,im-measurable peace!..if they could make this feeling last,she would leave behind all that she had left behind a hundred times over!
She wanted to begin life anew..to get away from the condemning people of her town,to lose herself in the crowds of the big city...but could she start on a clean slate?..however big a city is a lady who breaks the rules of a conventional society is singled out for stoning...there seemed no way out really.
She slept resting her head on his shoulders...when she woke up they had reached their destination.
He took her to his small flat in a dilapidated building....he seemed to be sorry to have brought her to a worn out flat...she told him she didn't care for luxuries, nothing else mattered if they could hold onto the vague relationship they had formed.
His mother came forward to greet her...the hostility in her eyes was palpable..she was on trial for leading the son astray..the mother left after conveying what she had to without saying a word.
His aunt and sister were next in line..they looked through her like she was non-existent...it was late in the night,they mentioned they were all set to sleep(indirectly asking her to leave).
She could see that all this was upsetting him...he was upset thinking she was upset..she was upset because he seemed upset!
As they came out of the building,she said a quick good-bye to him..she wanted to ruffle his hair to see him smile in the unique way that he did,only he could smile like himself..but she didn't..
She gave him a hug..a hug which conveyed a sense of finality..they both knew it..it was the end for them.
As she walked away to her two-wheeler in a daze,the world looking hazy through the film of tears pouring down her face,not daring to turn around and look at him,she felt his hand on her shoulder...his eyes met hers...yes,they would be together after all...he wouldn't let her go away alone..he couldn't let her go away alone...they would be together after-all...away from all but together.
A calmness she did not deserve to feel...after all,she had broken the rules of an all-powerful ugly,hypocritical society..
She had no idea of her destination..she wasn't sure if she wanted to get anywhere in the first place..
She was only sure of Him..(yes,she was sure of Him but she wasn't so sure about the nature of their relationship...she didn't see him as a friend..friends are too distant when one needs them and too close when one doesn't need them....she didn't see him as a lover..lovers don't love,they control..they have a "to-do"list ready for you..a list that moulds you into an identity-less zombie..by the time you are through the list love has jumped out the window and become a cripple.....she didn't see him as a brother...brothers see their sisters as saintly,pure creatures incapable of doing wrong..the sisterly moral facade one has to put on is tiresome to say the least...so what did she see Him as????...)
She called him on his mobile,he was travelling in the same train...she felt strangely weepy hearing his voice and couldn't speak...her silences always spoke more clearly than her words ever could..he said he'd come over to her compartment...but he couldn't because the compartments were not connected...each compartment was self-sufficient in itself and detached from the others..
He came in at the next stop and sat next to her..sensing her restlessness he took her hand in his,as if to calm her.
She laid her head on his shoulder...she felt peace,im-measurable peace!..if they could make this feeling last,she would leave behind all that she had left behind a hundred times over!
She wanted to begin life anew..to get away from the condemning people of her town,to lose herself in the crowds of the big city...but could she start on a clean slate?..however big a city is a lady who breaks the rules of a conventional society is singled out for stoning...there seemed no way out really.
She slept resting her head on his shoulders...when she woke up they had reached their destination.
He took her to his small flat in a dilapidated building....he seemed to be sorry to have brought her to a worn out flat...she told him she didn't care for luxuries, nothing else mattered if they could hold onto the vague relationship they had formed.
His mother came forward to greet her...the hostility in her eyes was palpable..she was on trial for leading the son astray..the mother left after conveying what she had to without saying a word.
His aunt and sister were next in line..they looked through her like she was non-existent...it was late in the night,they mentioned they were all set to sleep(indirectly asking her to leave).
She could see that all this was upsetting him...he was upset thinking she was upset..she was upset because he seemed upset!
As they came out of the building,she said a quick good-bye to him..she wanted to ruffle his hair to see him smile in the unique way that he did,only he could smile like himself..but she didn't..
She gave him a hug..a hug which conveyed a sense of finality..they both knew it..it was the end for them.
As she walked away to her two-wheeler in a daze,the world looking hazy through the film of tears pouring down her face,not daring to turn around and look at him,she felt his hand on her shoulder...his eyes met hers...yes,they would be together after all...he wouldn't let her go away alone..he couldn't let her go away alone...they would be together after-all...away from all but together.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
IN CIRCLES.
Feelings of Gratitude set the hue and tone of Sundays for her..
she was overwhelmed by Gratitude for all the blessings that had been showered upon her...
food,clothing, shelter..she had all three in enviable abundance..could one ask for more?...
she was drenched to the bones in the heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude..the liquidity of Gratitude clung to her body in tiny droplets..
every pore of her body emanated fulfillment,contentment and a state of grace.
Mondays however saw a slight decline from the Gratitude-filled state of mind.
The heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude turned into a moderate rainfall...though drenched she wanted to dry herself quickly..unlike the previous day,there was no inclination to bask in the wetness for long.
Tuesdays saw a sharp and shocking fall from Gratitude....the thunder-showers of Gratitude had given way to a mere drizzle..the thought of getting drenched made her sick and ill-at-ease....Gratitude was slowly but surely giving way to sullenness...sullenness for all the blessings that she had!
Wednesdays and Thursdays saw misery etched large on her face...the drizzle of Gratitude had long stopped...in fact there was a drought..a dry and dull sense of ingratitude had sunk in..a look of bored indifference sat cross-legged on her face.
Fridays saw the drought take over her completely...she felt trapped and victimised...the blessings that she had,could they really be called blessings?..hardly!...they were curses dressed in blessing's clothings!...she felt wretched,miserable,helpless and hopeless..
she sunk so deep into the depths of Ingratitude that she crossed over into "Guilt-ridden good sense" on Saturdays..
"oh!Merciful Heavens,forgive this sinner"was her desperate plea...she felt keenly in every inch of her Soul the dust and grime of Ingratitude...it made her writhe in unbearable agony..."forgive me" was uttered a hundred times...finally the agony loosened its grip on her and she felt relief.
And there she was, ready to start all over again with Gratitude on Sundays!!!....
and she goes on and on so forth in circles...just like Birth,Life,Death...Re-birth,Re-life,Re-death....Re-re-birth,Re-re-life,Re-re-death...it goes on and on so forth in circles too!
she was overwhelmed by Gratitude for all the blessings that had been showered upon her...
food,clothing, shelter..she had all three in enviable abundance..could one ask for more?...
she was drenched to the bones in the heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude..the liquidity of Gratitude clung to her body in tiny droplets..
every pore of her body emanated fulfillment,contentment and a state of grace.
Mondays however saw a slight decline from the Gratitude-filled state of mind.
The heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude turned into a moderate rainfall...though drenched she wanted to dry herself quickly..unlike the previous day,there was no inclination to bask in the wetness for long.
Tuesdays saw a sharp and shocking fall from Gratitude....the thunder-showers of Gratitude had given way to a mere drizzle..the thought of getting drenched made her sick and ill-at-ease....Gratitude was slowly but surely giving way to sullenness...sullenness for all the blessings that she had!
Wednesdays and Thursdays saw misery etched large on her face...the drizzle of Gratitude had long stopped...in fact there was a drought..a dry and dull sense of ingratitude had sunk in..a look of bored indifference sat cross-legged on her face.
Fridays saw the drought take over her completely...she felt trapped and victimised...the blessings that she had,could they really be called blessings?..hardly!...they were curses dressed in blessing's clothings!...she felt wretched,miserable,helpless and hopeless..
she sunk so deep into the depths of Ingratitude that she crossed over into "Guilt-ridden good sense" on Saturdays..
"oh!Merciful Heavens,forgive this sinner"was her desperate plea...she felt keenly in every inch of her Soul the dust and grime of Ingratitude...it made her writhe in unbearable agony..."forgive me" was uttered a hundred times...finally the agony loosened its grip on her and she felt relief.
And there she was, ready to start all over again with Gratitude on Sundays!!!....
and she goes on and on so forth in circles...just like Birth,Life,Death...Re-birth,Re-life,Re-death....Re-re-birth,Re-re-life,Re-re-death...it goes on and on so forth in circles too!
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