Au Revoir...So Long

Love came into my life,
and sat down beside me with a heavy heart,
with tears streaming down her cheeks..

I held Love's hand.
There was nothing to be said.
Nothing that hadn't already been said.
Nothing that hadn't already been understood,grasped,known and felt.

We sat in silence,
Maybe for hours,
Maybe just for a few fleeting moments.

We watched the world go by in front of us.
The story of the world unfolding in endless repetition.
The rush-hour morning traffic,
The afternoon siesta,
The socialite evening parties,
And the lonely nights.

We watched it all..sitting together..side by side...holding hands.

Then Love looked at the clock.
Our hours together were over.
The clock had struck,literally.

The hour of separation...
Never to meet again.
But no tears now.

"So Long", said Love.
"So Long", said I.

A BETRAYAL ON THE INFINITE EXPANSE OF TIME

Do you know how it feels like to be betrayed by one's own inner spirit...
the very spirit which lends voice to the soul and to the self?

Do you know how that can feel?

That moment of betrayal refuses to let go of me...or is it that I refuse to let go of that moment?
Why am I so inextricably bound to that moment like a mother is bound to her only child?
Why can't I break free of the endless ropes that tie me that moment?
Why can't I free my soul!

This dark fog that has descended over my Being..why won't it lift up?
Why won't it clear up to let in the warmth of sunshine or the calmness of moonshine?

Why can't my spirit regain its chutzpah?

These questions echo endlessly within me because
I am my own betrayer... I cannot point a blaming finger outwards..
The blaming finger points towards my own self...

"Time heals all wounds"..."Time and tide wait for none"..
All my hopes of breaking free rest on the ever dependable companion Time...
Time never betrayed any soul till date.

THOSE PAIR OF EYES

I saw myself reflected in those pair of eyes,
I saw there with astonishing clarity the whole of me,myself,moi...there"I"stood in all my pure worth and unworth.

I saw there the hidden parts of my soul...

The dark corners of my soul hidden beneath the surface was hidden no more..
It was out in the open,all too clearly,in those pair of eyes.

The blackness of my being positioned itself snugly in those pair of eyes..
Those pair of eyes did not seem to mind reflecting the dust and grime,
the tears and sorrow,
the pain and agony
the spite and bias ...of this self of mine.

Those pair of eyes would always cast( on my world) a look of limitless love... a love undefined and not easily attainable...

Now those pair of eyes"live"no more...they stare at me from photographs unblinking and unseeing..
Though the memories linger on, my mind cannot recreate the image of those pair of eyes...
For those eyes held unlimited love...
The mind cannot recreate the image of unlimited love..the mind can work only within limits..within boundaries...limitlessness numbs the mind into blankness...

But I know when Life makes me sit huddled in the corner of a dark room crying hopelessly
those pair of eyes will give me the strength to stand upto to the challenges offered by this presence or force called Life and look it sqaurely in the eye...

As to how much of "living force"does Life have without those pair of eyes to look into?
Aah..well..some questions are best left to fend for themselves!

THE COSMOS

HE,THE ENLIGHTENED ONE had broken free.
That was where his true victory lay..

HE had freed his mind from all of it..
From the stifling oppressiveness of a mind caged,bound and walled in from all four directions...
From the claustrophobic menace of the mind not being allowed to think for itself..
From the dog's leash with which the mind is reined in to follow the "ready-made"path..
From the precise accuracy with which any attempt to deviate from the "ready-made"path is shot down..
From the cunning manipulation with which any desire to forge one's own path is ridiculed..

From the shock of the mind being beaten to a pulp for daring not to follow the herd..
From the death-like tantrum of the mind strugling to come up for air at being pulled down into the swamp of the"normal path"...

Amid all this lifeless,soul-less living..
Amid all attempts at Destruction of his individuality
HE had broken free.

Atlast HIS mind was unchained,unbound,un-gagged and unwalled...HE was free!
There blossomed in his mind ,which hitherto had been an arid desert,the twin green fertile leaves of Knowledge and Realization.

The Knowledge of the Self and its Oneness with the entirety of the Cosmos.
The Knowledge of the Spark of Divinity within Him and every animate and inanimate thing within the Cosmos..
The knowledge that the Cosmos is infinite,limit-less and immensely powerful like his own mind.

The Realization that the only certain certainty of Life is Death.
The Relization that the lulling ,elusive, illusory nature of the world is like a mirage in the desert..meant to deceive,betray and give hope when in reality there is no hope at all.
The Realization that only the mind which has tapped into its immense potential can achieve self-realization and fulfillment.

Equipped with his twin green leaves of Knowledge and Realization he set forth on his path of Creation..the Creation of a new path...
From His soul which had become the Cosmos itself He gave birth to THE MIDDLE PATH..
The Middle Path which was,is and will always be the giver of solace,comfort and nourishment to millions of lost souls wandering in the darkness of their lost selves..

He will always be the liberator of souls..
For He had become the Cosmos...
The Cosmos had become Him...

THE "ACTUAL" MOMENT

Looking back its difficult to pin-point the "actual"moment when it all began unfolding.

Looking back its difficult to pin-point when the deterioration began..
When things actually started sliding down-hill in a disastrous avalanche..
When exactly did love vanish from their lives?
Was it a sudden disappearace??...a sudden withdrawal in a single moment??..like a fairy god-mother suddenly withdrawing a wish-granting fairy from the life of a gleeful kid..

Or was it a slow,painful process..did the poison of indifference spread like a malignant cancer..slowly devouring everything in its way and leaving a path of sickness in its wake..
Did the tentacles of "lovelessness" spread gradually..so gradually that it was difficult to realise it till the deed was done and over with..

When did they pack up their bags and leave each other's lives mentally?

It becomes incredibly difficult to say..

Looking back over the shoulder onto the Past provides no answers...the Past is (and seems) a huge tunnel of darkness...nothing seems to be discernible in there..the sign-boards proclaiming the loss of love cannot be seen...the Past lies there sprawling...but its just a huge,gaping mouth of darkness and blackness..its futile to try and make sense of it..

The Past cannot be seen..it is indecipherable too...so they doubt if it ever existed in the first place..

The Present though is clearly visible..so brightly clear that the eyes get blinded by the clarity of it...and the sign-boards of the Present say..LOVELESSNESS,INDIFFERENCE,EMPTINESS.

They embraced their Present with a whole-hearted passion and wept...
they sobbed for what was(if it ever was)..
what Is..(if it really Is)
and what will be(if it will ever be)...

THE SHEER TERROR OF LOVE

What is the definition of life?

Life is that which is lived in sheer terror of losing him...of him being lost forever and never finding him again.

Life is that which is lived in sheer terror of taking that one step....of breaking away from one and all and walking off with him into the glorious sunset( of course, after the walk into
the sunset there would be blissfull hell to face from the monster called Society. )

Life is that which is lived in his thoughts,in constant fear, with a whirlpool swirling in the mind and the heart constricted with conflicting emotions that vary from one extreme to the other in a matter of a clock-tick.

There is fear...

fear of life turning into nothingness(without him)
fear of life becoming empty(without him)
fear of an unsettling vacuum in life(without him)

fear of a huge abysmal hole in the centre of life that cannot ever be filled(without him)
fear of life turning into a horribly staged drama in which the part i play is insignificant and worthless(without him)
fear of life becoming indifferent to me and me becoming indifferent to life(without him)

and

a total and absolute fearlessness of life meeting with its expiry date in the very next moment Without Him.

DESTINATION UNKNOWN

Sitting in the train,next to the window,with the wind blowing on her face she felt strangely calm...
A calmness she did not deserve to feel...after all,she had broken the rules of an all-powerful ugly,hypocritical society..

She had no idea of her destination..she wasn't sure if she wanted to get anywhere in the first place..

She was only sure of Him..(yes,she was sure of Him but she wasn't so sure about the nature of their relationship...she didn't see him as a friend..friends are too distant when one needs them and too close when one doesn't need them....she didn't see him as a lover..lovers don't love,they control..they have a "to-do"list ready for you..a list that moulds you into an identity-less zombie..by the time you are through the list love has jumped out the window and become a cripple.....she didn't see him as a brother...brothers see their sisters as saintly,pure creatures incapable of doing wrong..the sisterly moral facade one has to put on is tiresome to say the least...so what did she see Him as????...)

She called him on his mobile,he was travelling in the same train...she felt strangely weepy hearing his voice and couldn't speak...her silences always spoke more clearly than her words ever could..he said he'd come over to her compartment...but he couldn't because the compartments were not connected...each compartment was self-sufficient in itself and detached from the others..

He came in at the next stop and sat next to her..sensing her restlessness he took her hand in his,as if to calm her.

She laid her head on his shoulder...she felt peace,im-measurable peace!..if they could make this feeling last,she would leave behind all that she had left behind a hundred times over!

She wanted to begin life anew..to get away from the condemning people of her town,to lose herself in the crowds of the big city...but could she start on a clean slate?..however big a city is a lady who breaks the rules of a conventional society is singled out for stoning...there seemed no way out really.

She slept resting her head on his shoulders...when she woke up they had reached their destination.

He took her to his small flat in a dilapidated building....he seemed to be sorry to have brought her to a worn out flat...she told him she didn't care for luxuries, nothing else mattered if they could hold onto the vague relationship they had formed.

His mother came forward to greet her...the hostility in her eyes was palpable..she was on trial for leading the son astray..the mother left after conveying what she had to without saying a word.

His aunt and sister were next in line..they looked through her like she was non-existent...it was late in the night,they mentioned they were all set to sleep(indirectly asking her to leave).

She could see that all this was upsetting him...he was upset thinking she was upset..she was upset because he seemed upset!

As they came out of the building,she said a quick good-bye to him..she wanted to ruffle his hair to see him smile in the unique way that he did,only he could smile like himself..but she didn't..

She gave him a hug..a hug which conveyed a sense of finality..they both knew it..it was the end for them.

As she walked away to her two-wheeler in a daze,the world looking hazy through the film of tears pouring down her face,not daring to turn around and look at him,she felt his hand on her shoulder...his eyes met hers...yes,they would be together after all...he wouldn't let her go away alone..he couldn't let her go away alone...they would be together after-all...away from all but together.

IN CIRCLES.

Feelings of Gratitude set the hue and tone of Sundays for her..
she was overwhelmed by Gratitude for all the blessings that had been showered upon her...
food,clothing, shelter..she had all three in enviable abundance..could one ask for more?...

she was drenched to the bones in the heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude..the liquidity of Gratitude clung to her body in tiny droplets..
every pore of her body emanated fulfillment,contentment and a state of grace.

Mondays however saw a slight decline from the Gratitude-filled state of mind.
The heavy thunder- showers of Gratitude turned into a moderate rainfall...though drenched she wanted to dry herself quickly..unlike the previous day,there was no inclination to bask in the wetness for long.

Tuesdays saw a sharp and shocking fall from Gratitude....the thunder-showers of Gratitude had given way to a mere drizzle..the thought of getting drenched made her sick and ill-at-ease....Gratitude was slowly but surely giving way to sullenness...sullenness for all the blessings that she had!

Wednesdays and Thursdays saw misery etched large on her face...the drizzle of Gratitude had long stopped...in fact there was a drought..a dry and dull sense of ingratitude had sunk in..a look of bored indifference sat cross-legged on her face.

Fridays saw the drought take over her completely...she felt trapped and victimised...the blessings that she had,could they really be called blessings?..hardly!...they were curses dressed in blessing's clothings!...she felt wretched,miserable,helpless and hopeless..

she sunk so deep into the depths of Ingratitude that she crossed over into "Guilt-ridden good sense" on Saturdays..
"oh!Merciful Heavens,forgive this sinner"was her desperate plea...she felt keenly in every inch of her Soul the dust and grime of Ingratitude...it made her writhe in unbearable agony..."forgive me" was uttered a hundred times...finally the agony loosened its grip on her and she felt relief.

And there she was, ready to start all over again with Gratitude on Sundays!!!....

and she goes on and on so forth in circles...just like Birth,Life,Death...Re-birth,Re-life,Re-death....Re-re-birth,Re-re-life,Re-re-death...it goes on and on so forth in circles too!

LIFE HEAD-ACHE

Not a migraine head-ache.
A life head-ache.

The numbing,deadening hum of Life sends ants crawling up my taut nerves..
How can something so alive and full of life like Life feel so dead and hollow...and barren like a dried-up river bed?

Before the zero-ness set in,Life seemed so full of life (on the surface).

But then I happened to look beneath the surface and found a gutter so black and slimy with slippery worms of myriad perversions that I didn't want to peep in any more than I had already had.
I closed the lid on the man-hole of life which i had so accidentally stumbled upon and foolishly opened....promising myself never to think again of the ugliness I had glimpsed..

But there is no cure once you have witnessed it...there is no healing...all you can do is assimilate the ugliness and push it away into some dark corner of the soul where it can (hopefully ) stay benign without casting a shadow on "Life After The Witnessing"!

But it has tainted my view of the world.
I now see the world in all its murky,filthy glory!

I see the facade I put on to be "this" or "that"..I feel nauseous of my "image-consciouness"!..I puke internally at the masks all of us wear..I do not see a single mask-less person leading a normal life!

The scorn behind the sweet smile,
The immorality behind the moral cloak,
The lack of culture behind the culture,
The crudeness behind the sophistication...

ITS ALL TOO CLEAR..(as clear as the simmerng desert under the blazing sun)...My clarity of vision when I peeped into the gutter has done me in...clarity of vision can be hideous..beware!

LAUGHTER!!!

The first positive crticism that i got for my blog was from a most positive and happy-go-lucky person...a person who laughs from the depths of his soul with glee and merriment in his eyes...

i go for yoga classes where we have a laughter session once a week for about five minutes...someone rightly said that the most difficult thing to do is to make people laugh...because we in our yoga class definitely struggle to laugh cotinuously for five minutes....

Its unbelievably difficult to break into unabandoned laughter just like that and sustain it for five whole minutes...five minutes seems dreadful and unbearably long then..

But this person,herefore mentioned,laughs spontaneuosly from some incredibly joyous corner of his heart and spreads the energy of it all around him...soon we are all engulfed in the energy emanating from him and breaking into cheerful laughter!...

when this person is not present in the class,its quite a different story...we cut a sorry picture...all of us are pathetic,struggling laughers who are on the verge of tears and desperation trying to laugh...our artificial laughter grates on our nerves!....and so naturally instead of feeling relaxed and happy at the end of such a session,we are left with aching jaws and a heartfelt prayer of gratitude to the One Above that its over and done with!!!....

on the other hand, when the above mentioned person is present we ,almost always, have a great laughter-session,feeling serenely still afterwards ...and realise the truth of the statement that "Laughter is God's medicine.Everybody ought to bathe in it"... our taut nerves loosen and we feel one with the Universe in the short,minute long meditation after our session...

so thank-you sir for making us all laugh...thats quite an invaluable gift you possess!

P.S.,......(sir,your suggestion for improving my blog is well-taken..i shall stop writing critical,negtaive,rebellious articles for some time and write about myself for a change!)

FOR HIM....

For Him...whose mere contemplation is akin to having lived a thousand lifetimes in a few mortal moments..



Him,i imagined in my meditative trance.

His picture i saw clearly in my mind's eye.



I stood tranformed,transfixed and rooted to the spot as i saw Him stand in front of me in all His Glory...

i felt myself being cleansed of my wrong-doings(intentional and un-intentional)by the holy river Ganga rushing forth in a torrent from His head.

feeling as light as a feather flying in the wind,aimlessly and directionless,i took refuge in His matted,dense locks of hair..it was dark in there..a soothing darkness which felt protective..as protective as a mother's lap..

i came out and danced in the soothing moon-light emanating from His head...

i stared at His fore-head and felt fear rise in me...i knew i would float in the fire of His wrath,the wrath of His Third Eye,if i displeased Him...i felt chilled with fright and shivered..

He sensed it and opened His eyes...
i saw Him look at me as innocently as a newborn child looks at his new mother...my fears vanished and my eyes welled up with tears which poured down my cheeks in a flood...

i felt blessed.

i looked at His throat with the serpent coiled around it..i touched the throat where the poison He drank to save the world still bubbled..i marvelled at His selflessness.

i looked at His strong arms holding the trident and drum..i swayed to the music of his drum,like an alcoholic sways after he has lost contol of his senses.

i watched His masculine torso,woman to man...i felt an unbearable passion rising within me..i poured the water of my passionate devotion on His Linga and fell at His feet in tears...i entwined my arms around his ankles and sobbed like a child.

For an insane moment i was overcome by a jealous,possessive wave..

i wanted Him to be mine alone.
i wanted to be His alone.

sensing my thoughts He laughed..a clear laughter.... and looked at me like a father does seeing his beloved child's antics... and walked into the mist filled surrounding...He left..He vanished.

FOR HE BELONGS TO THE WORLD..HE IS EVERY MAN'S MAN..EVERY WOMAN'S MAN..EVERY CHILD'S BELOVED.

thats it..my meditative trance ended as abruptly as it had begun and i came back into the hustle and bustle of my city with the significant revelation that i was a part of Him...my eternal Soul was a part of Him...my Soul covered in dust and cobwebs should be made worthy of Him...I WILL TRY!

FROM FILMFARE AWARDS TO A POT OF ASHES...

The recently held filmfare awards,hosted by shah rukh khan and saif ali khan with their characteristic spit-fire sarcasm created quite a stir and polarised the tens of thousands of viewers who watched it on television...some people loved it and professed admiration for the duo for treading into forbidden territory with their dark humour...some people hated it and felt that the sanctity of the filmfare awards had been tarnished..after all,its the oldest award in bollywood and a much sought after one at that!

An elderly person i'm close to complained bitterly that shah rukh khan and saif ali had crossed all limits of decency and gone too far with their brand of slapstick/sarcastic humour...especially the giving away of awards for the worst dressed actress and forcing the recepient(an unsuspecting vidya balan!)to accept the award and say a few words!..also when the sponsor of the awards(an elderly business tycoon) came to give away an award and expressed happiness that he was being asked to give the award to a beautiful lady who was his favourite as well(deepika padukone),shah rukh khan quipped,tongue-in-cheek,"she'd be happier if you made her a share-holder in your company!"..the sponsor was left looking red-faced!

I am on the side of the people who loved the function...i thoroughly enjoyed it and laughed a lot..one should only have a problem with people who poke fun at others but are unwilling to take a joke on themselves sportingly...thats unfair and reeks of double standards...but shah rukh and saif ali were as harsh on themslves as they were on others..in fact,they did a mini skit on their readiness to dance at wedding parties,birthday parties and any other function,at the drop of a hat,provided they are shown the big bucks!....i definitely think they played fair..

A lot of people though found it all in bad taste...i say to them,why can't we let go of our inflated egos and hear things about ourselves which we know are true but don't want said aloud,for a night?
lets not be full of ourselves all the time...poke fun at others and get poked too,for a change!..

Ultimately,we are all going to end up in a pot of ashes to be dispersed over a river or in a coffin under layers and layers of mud..thats the biggest potshot of all that God takes on man....no escape!...like someone so rightly said..don't take life too seriously,you are not going to get out of it alive!

I DON'T WANT TO BE AN ENLIGHTENED SOUL..!

one often hears people saying that facing the problems and vicissitudes of life with equanimity is the hallmark of an enlightened person...such a simple thing to say but try following it and what does one find?...that its as impossible a task as trying to find the end of a bottomless pit!...

the simple fact is that its not humanly possible to face problems with a neutral attitude...we are made in such a way that we laugh when we are happy,we cry when we are sad,we get angry when upset and so on...to ask that one should remain like a robot,come what may, is like asking a child to sit still in a toy-shop!
i believe our emotions are beyond the realm of control.. emotions cannot be controlled like we swtich on or switch off a light.....

is it possible to control one's laughter in a completely hilarious situation...doesn't one burst out laughing spontaneously?...is it possible to stop the flow of tears in the face of a tragic situation..don't the tears just flow?..these are natural in-built reactions...thats how we are made..its a manufacturing defect(i'd say manufacturing boon though!)

isn't it much better to feel the intensity of pain with as much pain as it gives?...and feel the intensity of happiness in all its pure radiance?...anyday better a robot who is neutral and moved neither by pain nor by sorrow and looks ahead with blank,dazed eyes!

i'd rather feel the bright warmth of sunshine,
the wetness of rain,
the monotony of a bad day,
the ecstatitc high of a good day,
the cheer of a good laugh
and the pain of a sarcastic barbed-wire remark, than be a highly spiritual and enlightened robotic soul.

ITS A MAN'S WORLD AFTER ALL!

The image of Governor Spitzer of New York walking into the press conference to admit he had done regrettable things and wronged his family stood out in my mind as a sad picture..

Nope,I don't feel one bit sad for Spitzer who projected himself as a Messiah of Morality and turned out to be an arrogant man who thought he could get away with pulling the wool over people's eyes for the rest of his life.My heart went out to the solemn- looking,shocked,numbed lady standing beside him-his wife-watching her husband fall from the top of the Eiffel Tower of Morality in to the slush down below...

I can't for the life of me understand why she was made to stand beside Spitzer,looking on with God knows what kind of turmoil going on within her...leads one to the think what if the situation were reversed?....if a lady with high-standing in society had courted gigolos or had an illicit liasion,would her husband have looked on, watching numbly ,as his wife confesses on national televison and her skeletons come tumbling out of the closet....NO WAY!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!!...It seems absurd to even conjure up such an image in one's mind.

Yup,there is no question of a man standing by his fallen wife..the lady would have to fend for herself...but a woman better stand by her fallen husband,forgive him and be the all-forgiving mother..then she will be hailed the "ideal"woman...else she runs the risk of being labelled a spiteful,vengeful demon because ,after all, to err is human,to forgive divine!

Why is it so?...feminists have been asking the question for eons now in vain..it would be ridiculous to even attempt to answer such a complicated question....lets just say there are different standards for men and women especially in the realm of morality.

Life is unfair,women..get used to it...safe to end by quoting Lessing(author of the feminist bible,the golden notebook)...Life is about getting used to things that are intolerable...amen!

TIME IS THE BEST DEALER OF PRINCIPLES

An interesting incident which amused me...i happened to see the movie "Blood Diamond"about a year ago....for those of you who haven't seen it,as the name suggests,it is a brutally violent description of the savage behaviour that goes on in Africa for diamonds...man kills man,gangs roam around brandishing guns and kill as they please...the gangs force men to work for them to find diamonds...and all this for the sophisticated diamond companies who buy cheap diamonds from Africa to makes exquisite jewellery for the upper class elite around the world...

well,a lady friend of mine too saw the movie and was deeply disturbed...she said she was off diamonds after seeing the senseless mad scramble the movie portrays...she also mentioned a particularly relevant dialogue mouthed by Leonardo di Caprio in the film,which is actually the essence of what the film-maker is trying to say...Caprio says the mad scramble and killings would not be going on if not for the massive demand for diamonds..he tells the petite heroine who is sickened by his greed for diamonds that if she cares so much she should stop buying diamonds....

my friend was deeply impressed by this line and said that she has sworn off diamonds....i was touched by her resolve because she is someone who can afford diamonds,yet she had made this decision..i was impressed by her sensitivity and social conscience(however tiny it may seem on the scale measuring social conscience!)...my making a resolve was meaningless,for the simple reason that i cannot afford diamonds but nevertheless i had kind of made the same resolve!

well, a week back this friend of mine enthusiastically asked me to go upto her flat,she wanted to show me something....i went wondering what it was...it turned out to be a shiny,crystal-clear,pure,radiant DIAMOND!!!!!!!...worth about a lakh and a half in indian rupees...she was beaming with the unadulterated,pure joy of a child!...no trace of the social conscience at all!...i praised her shiny new stone truthfully....was definitely worth praising...left her glowing with owner's pride and came home....

set me thinking and made me realise that time is the best healer...what affects a person with the intensity of an electric shock today can be shrugged off a year later like one would a pesky fly!...Time can smash your principles and make it shapeless like an automobile badly damaged in an accident...but let it be said,there are many people who stand by their principles too...for them even if their principles are put in a washing machine and spun round and round,their principles come out intact and cleaner!...

enough of philosophy now,i was left wondering if i would have the strength to resist that beautiful diamond if it were given to me..i narrated the incdent to my husband and he laughed and said "don't worry,you won't ever be faced with the predicament of making that choice,i'll never be able to afford a diamond big enough to tempt you away from your principles"...... how one can't fight with this kind of logic..?!!!so its still remains an open-ended question...hahaha...